Dick Wolfsie’s “Crash Course”

Jul 14 2011

Dick Wolfsie’s “Crash Course”

A couple of local TV news spots recently have made me question what I do for a living. One station did a story on how to save money when dining out. The first tip was to order items that are less expensive. My wife was working late, but I called her at the office because I didn’t want take a chance on forgetting this earth-shaking news. If I had only realized the steak and shrimp platter was pricier than the deep-fried chicken planks, who knows how much I could have saved. The station also reported that you can save money by ordering tap water instead of a triple dirty vodka martini. Why was I never told about this?
Then the other night, I saw another must-see segment about….are you sitting down? You better be, because the story was about the increasing number of people who end up in the emergency room—because they trip over their pets.
Sadly, the story lacked the kind of in-depth analysis that I have been trained to do as a crack reporter. Inexplicably, all pets in the study were lumped together—which makes them easier to trip over— preventing you from making an intelligent purchase at the pet store. If no one has bothered to take the time at the emergency room to record whether you stumbled over a hermit crab or an Irish Wolfhound, you’re just another typically uninformed consumer looking at a bunch of useless statistics.
I have stumbled over my dog many times, and I am always struck by the look Toby gives me as I crash head-first into my oak night stand. Mark Twain once said: Even a dog knows the difference between being kicked and being tripped over. I think this is true because I know from my beagle’s expression that, if he could talk, he’d be saying: “Walk much?” I once had a Cocker Spaniel that I also continually became entangled with. His expression seemed to say: “Have a nice trip?” I finally gave the pooch away. No dog of mine is going to spout clichés while my head is lodged in the mahogany credenza.
How many people trip over their pets? This year the number hit 86,000 emergency room admissions. This is already about 85,500 more than swine flu admissions, but the CDC
(the Committee for Dog Collisions) has tried to conceal these numbers concerned people will hide in their bedrooms fearing their Chihuahua is lying in wait, just panting for a chance to assist you in breaking your patella.
The problem may be related to the economy. It’s not only humans who are worried about the worldwide financial crisis. Many dogs are having trouble getting their 14 hours a night. They lie awake worrying about where their next meal is coming from. Canines walk the house in the dark, only to run head and leg into their owner who is pacing the halls, already upside down on his car loan, and now about to be upside down on his coffee table.
Even cats, historically uninterested in global monetary issues, seem to be getting more under-foot lately. Truth is most feline-related admissions are due to pet lovers putting one foot in the kitty litter and then doing a split worthy of a perfect score from Bruno on Dancing with the Stars,
I am now paranoid that my dog and cat hold secret meetings each night hashing out a devious plan to weave between my legs as I gingerly make my way up the stairs with a bagel and hot cup of coffee. No one wants to contract swine flu, but here’s the truth: There is a better chance you’ll trip over a potbellied pig.

3 Responses to Dick Wolfsie’s “Crash Course”

  1. Donna Wolf July 15, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    Dick, you are so funny! You always give me a hearty laugh. Thank you!

  2. Terry Oelmann July 15, 2011 at 11:21 pm

    Thank you Mr. Wolfsie for being you! You are a great human being.

  3. joanie relf July 16, 2011 at 11:07 pm

    Dick, your piece would be much funnier to me if I hadn’t tripped over one of my dogs and shattered the bones in my upper arm, requiring a plate and 16 pins!! I must tell everyone I can about the GREAT EMTs, who made sure my 4 dogs were in the back room and couldn’t get out the front door as they took me out on the stretcher!!.

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